I have been feeling down the last few days, for a variety of reasons, but it was triggered by a few things.  This is the first time since I was 16 that I haven’t been in a romantic relationship, and honestly, I’m floundering.  It’s not that I CAN’T be alone or that I NEED someone to be alright… It just feels very, very awkward NOT to have anyone…

  Don’t get me wrong, I have friends, I have Syr and C, but it’s not the same.  A small silly thing just kind of reminded me that I have no partner right now. 

   In my whole life, I have only ever had one person buy me flowers, one time, it was years ago, and I still remember exactly what they looked like…  Yes it’s a stupid, girly thing, and most people assume that since no one has bothered to buy me flowers, that I don’t like them, so I think that may be why no one buys me flowers… It’s a circle thing I guess… Either way… So, anyhow, Syr bought C gorgeous roses the other day, and there was this little girly side of me that wished for flowers too… Nope, they got me a blender.  Don’t get me wrong, blender cool, just… not what my inner voice had wanted at that exact moment.  I dunno it just triggered my loneliness I suppose.

  No, I’m not begging for presents or flowers, like I said, it just triggered the feeling.  I feel like a big, dumb, girl… Hell, I started crying on the phone w/ Hart last night because I miss him so much, along with a lot of other people whom I’ve lost due to my own stupidity… but, yeah, mostly him…

  There are limitations with the people I currently have in my life when it comes to possible romance: location, interest level, current relationship status, etc.. I feel like I am treading water in a vast ocean, I can’t see land anywhere, I’m afraid to swim in ANY direction for fear that it will take me farther from where I need to be, but my arms and legs are getting too tired to stay in the same place for very much longer…

  Feeling frightened and alone, isn’t a good thing for me.

One response »

  1. syr84 says:

    And you made mention of never getting flowers…… thought that we didn’t hear you or didn’t pay it attention….. tell them about what happened the other day at work…… I dare you

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