It has been a complicated two weeks, and I have had a pretty shitty time… So, here is the long and short of it.

  On Wednesday the 11 into the morning of the 12th, I held a gun to my head off and on for about 18 hours deciding whether or not to kill myself… I thought a lot of people would be better without me, that they would have things easier without me around fucking things up, that their grief would be outweighed by the overall benefit of my not being around. I have been in a deep depression for about 2 1/2 months, having been caused from a lot: having horrid nightmares and flashbacks about my attack, shit with my parents, financials, starting a new life in Denver, my kids having health issues, partners having health issues, the massive lie I told and perpetuated of having a job, long after having been fired, and a lot of other small things, I just couldn’t hold myself together anymore. I had taken Hart’s gun, and had also cut myself up pretty badly with a utility knife (I’m a cutter)… The only thing that honestly kept me from pulling the trigger was that Hart had told me I wasn’t allowed to kill myself… Dumb that that was the only life rule of his that had been left in my brain by that point, but yeah…

  I drove back to the house after this long, long, long non-thought process and asked a friend and Toy for their help. Toy helped me to check myself into a mental health facility. They helped me a lot. They put me on some much needed meds, gave me great resources, gave an open ear, and yeah. They helped me to learn some coping mechanisms and set me up for being able to handle the real world again… I stayed at the facility until Thursday the 19th. Due to the lies I told, Toy told me while I was in the hospital that I was no longer welcome in their family, their home, or their lives. It hurt a lot, but I deserve what I got.

  I am now back in the town I tried so hard to escape, currently staying at my parents in exchange for my cleaning and cooking services… I already caught my ration of shit pie from them for making the family look like a bunch of dysfunctional rednecks… remember the PERFECT picture is what matters (sigh). Oh well, that situation is what is. I am quite possibly going to be living with friends soon, but I really don’t want to be a financial drain on yet another set of people, because of what happened…

  I get to take my lumps because I caused every one of them. I have lost relationships, a home, a family, quite possibly my children, and many other relations simply because of my own dumbfuck choices. My fear and self loathing overrode my moral sense and I was wrong. I was completely and irrevocably wrong. I am sorry to those I hurt, and I apologize with all I am.  I would like to make things right with each of them if that is possible.

  So, that is why I haven’t been around…

5 responses »

  1. wilteddaisy says:

    I was so worried about you. I knew something was up, but no one told me anything. The next time you need someone, CALL ME. Email me, text me, I don’t give a shit what you do. You get ahold of me. Damn it girl. I lubs you but if you’re not talking to me, then I can’t help you figure it out. You’ve survived too much to give up now. NO ONE is better off without you. And any idiot who might even remotely think that they are, doesn’t deserve you in the first place. Please please continue to get help. I can’t see my life without your quirks. You make me smile even when I want to cry. Please come to me next time. I’m here. I’m so sorry you have to go through all of this. I really am.

  2. plantpage says:

    Dont ever give up..dont ever give up

  3. lookitsbray says:

    Chin up buttercup.

  4. I’m so sorry you felt this way, and for what you’re going thru right now *hugs* is all I have to offer sweets, bc words probably don’t do much.

  5. Trip X says:

    I don’t even know you, but I’m truly glad you are still here to read this. I’d hug you if I could…

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